When You Were Small

My Dearest Caleb,

You have been a part of our family for a year! This week you will be 5 months old, but this time last year we found out you were coming. We fell in love with you when we saw you, the tiny little speck that you were on our first ultrasound. From that point forward we, in our hearts, have been a family of 3.

While I was pregnant, and just about every day since, someone has said something like “enjoy this time…it goes so fast.” But while we were waiting for you, time almost seemed to stop. Those 35 weeks were the longest weeks of my life. And then you arrived. We officially became a family of three. And time started moving at warp speed.

Yesterday I met our new friend, Little C. She is only 2 days old, and weighs about 2 pounds more than you did when we brought you home. When I walked into the room and saw her cuddled up with her momma, my heart stopped. She was SO TINY!  I stood there for a second, awestruck that you were even smaller than she was when you arrived. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You are less than 5 months old. 21 weeks. 150 days. And I am already forgetting.

After lots of Little C cuddles and catching up with her amazing momma and daddy, I rushed home as fast as I possibly could and scooped you up with tears in my eyes. You were laying on the floor, giggling and playing with your daddy (one of your favorite things to do!). You can stand now holding our fingers, and you are getting so strong! 5 months. 21 weeks. 150 days ago, you were in an incubator, hooked to wires that monitored your breathing and your heartbeat. Tiny. And I am already forgetting what it felt like to hold you when you were so small. When we had to support every little part of your body because you couldn’t do it yourself. I was scared to hold you when you weren’t swaddled because I was afraid I would pull out a wire or that you would break.

I have read so many heartfelt reflections from mommas much more experienced than I am, looking back with regret at the time that passed way. too. fast. Until now, I never really understood what they meant. In theory, yes. But in reality, I had no idea.

So forgive me little man, but today I am going to hold you just a little tighter, even though you would rather wiggle on the floor. I am going to read you a few extra stories and let you nap in my arms. Because these moments are fleeting. And even though you are 150 days bigger than you were when I saw your tiny little face for the first time,  in the big picture of our days together, you are still small. And I want to remember.

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